Ok, I’ll admit it. When it comes to makeup and hair and nails and all of that beauty stuff, I act like a 5 year old with a new box of crayons and a coloring book moreso than I do a rational, level-headed 38-ish wife and mother of two. That being said, there is only so much I can do to myself. I only have 10 fingers, 10 toes, one head of hair and one face, and me glamming it all up only to strip it off and start anew really isn’t an option, unless the scaly snakeskin that’s trendy to wear on your nails flashes over to being trendy to wear on your face as well. I doubt that trend will ever see the light of day (at least in my lifetime, with the exception of Halloween, of course). Not only that, but there are a lot of trends I’m dying to try, however I can’t pull off every style or look that piques my interest (dun dun dunnnnn! Shocking, I know!). So what’s a gal like me to do? Easy, start begging and conning friends, family, neighbors, homeless people, etc. to become my guinea pigs. In fact, I come with my own set of rights, which I call the “Stephanie Rights”, and I have them listed below (oh, and FYI – the fact that you are reading them right now makes you fair game to be the subject of my next blog post. Consider this your warning):
You have the right to look away. Any eye contact lasting longer than 1 second is considered consent to be blogged about and/or subjected to any number of beauty treatments now or anytime in the future. These rights do not expire, and once consent has been granted it can never be revoked, unless such a time arises where the looks God gave you have deteriorated beyond the help traditional makeup and hairstyling can provide, or should your face get bitten off by a chimpanzee, shark, zombie, hungry 2 year old or any other creature both alive or dead. You have the right to wear lipstick with matching liner. If you cannot afford lipstick with matching liner, these items will be provided to you. Do you understand these rights as they are listed? With these rights in mind, do you wish to look away? It doesn’t matter if you do, as you’ve already exceeded the 1 second eye contact limit and have granted implied consent as stated in sentence two of the Stephanie Rights.
At any rate, I call the makeovers I do on my (un)willing victims, I mean volunteers: Vamping My Style. I like to include “Before” and “After” photos of my work, unless the “After” picture looks worse than the “Before” picture. Since I’m human and “born to make mistakes” as Human League so eloquently put it, I HAVE had that happen on occasion. For some reason my inner stylist/beauty whore forgets what year it is, and before I know it, my coiffeur resembles the ‘do Gilda Radner sported as she was portraying famous SNL alter ego, Rosanna Rosanna Danna. Thankfully, I’m usually my own victim, however, there was one time BFF Lola* was my target and by the time I called “Uncle” and gave up, it looked like she was headed to the mall to catch a Tiffany concert in 1989, but accidentally fell into one of Steven Hawkings’ worm holes and found herself smack dab in the middle of 2012. I swear to God, the only thing she was missing was a mesh shirt, tulle skirt, 1,972 jelly bracelets and a charm necklace. I’m convinced there was someone out there Desperately Seeking her, I’m just not too sure who it could have been.
I hope you enjoy my before and afters (even the crappy ones). If there is something you’d like to see, just let me know via comment or email. Or Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Google Plus. Jesus, I just realized my contact me info makes me appear desperate for readers. I think the only contact method NOT on my list is carrier pigeon or Morse Code.
QUESTION: WHAT DO THESE WOMEN ALL HAVE IN COMMON?
R.I.P Rosanna Rosanna Danna
You would think since she uses Rapunzel’s hair power to restore her eternal youth, she’d spend some time looking for something that would give her better hair.
Gee, your hair looks ridiculous.
ANSWER: THEY ALL HAVE ALLOWED SLASH (FROM GNR) STYLE THEIR HAIR WHILE STANDING IN A BATHTUB FULL OF WATER HOLDING A TOASTER THAT’S STILL PLUGGED IN.